August 19, 2015

Wondering Wednesday

Some may think I chose divorce. No, I did not. I never wanted a divorce.

I chose a boundary.

For seventeen years many things came in and out of my life with no restriction or accountability. For a while I learned to live with it, or hide from it. I even learned to dress it up and justify it. But God, in His tender love for me and Mr. Santos, said, "OK, kids, enough is enough. Here's the line. This is a good line that you should not cross. Do you want this line in your life?"

My answer was yes. His answer was no. I did not file for divorce, I merely lived behind the line. Divorce was the consequence.

"Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. For your Maker is your husband, the LORD of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.  For the LORD has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like a wife of youth when she is cast off, says your God." - Isa 54:4-6 ESV

It is a different life living in this way, with my Maker as my husband. First, I need to know how to hear Him, to distinguish his voice from all the others. Secondly, there's this conviction that whatever He says is good and true...which is not such a welcome conviction at times.

I remember my married days when Mr. Santos would suggest a road for us...perhaps a business venture, or a vacation. Not always, but at times, I would share my opinions, or argue because, after all, he's just a man. Are you sure this is where we should go?

Recently, God has opened up paths for me that I never thought of. They are put before me, by Him, all HIS idea;  I can either go or not. He is the head.

Maybe it is different for you. Maybe you feel more connected to the path put before you, as if that path was your idea.

The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps. - Pro 16:9 ESV

For me, I don't feel connected at all to these paths. I wonder, "What? You want me to go there? Really? Why? What will happen? Will I be OK?"

And then that conviction comes that whatever God does is good and true.

Faith.

Obedience builds faith.

I wonder...

Is it pride that makes me question...or fear? Fear not for I am with you says the Lord.

I wonder...

Will it always be hard...so lonely-like...though I trust I am not alone...to make these life decisions?

But then wondering turns to fretting and fretting turns to evil...so I stop.

I pick up my book to color, or I look to the sky and give thanks, or I pick some blackberries, looking for the big juicy ones that melt in my mouth and taste like cotton candy.

I will go. He will work it out. I don't know where it will lead. But, He is the beginning and He is the end.

What are you wondering about?

~oOo~


These berries grow in our back yard along the edge of the forest.
Sophia has been making us tasty cobblers...so nice.


The top of our back yard. 
The leaves tinkle with a breeze...a pleasant and comforting sound.


Our front yard.
 I love the blue backdrop.



Coloring is a new favorite pastime.

It helps me to relax or meditate...and even to have good conversations with my children.

It is a calming activity and satisfies my love of color.





Plus, unlike painting or quilting, I can take it with me wherever I go.

What pretty things do you enjoy creating?

2 comments:

  1. When I was first saved everything in my life was turned upside down. Because I was involved in the occult and used "recreational drugs" I was a mess for several years. My mom knew how to deal with me as a mess up, but when my life began straightening out she didn't know what to do with me. At first she hated me....but in our case when she saw my life blossoming and improving she became convicted and thankfully she also turned to Jesus and started reading the Bible.

    Love your pictures, you are talented!

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    Replies
    1. What a great testimony! So glad about your mom. Thanks for the encouragement.

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