August 19, 2015

Wondering Wednesday

Some may think I chose divorce. No, I did not. I never wanted a divorce.

I chose a boundary.

For seventeen years many things came in and out of my life with no restriction or accountability. For a while I learned to live with it, or hide from it. I even learned to dress it up and justify it. But God, in His tender love for me and Mr. Santos, said, "OK, kids, enough is enough. Here's the line. This is a good line that you should not cross. Do you want this line in your life?"

My answer was yes. His answer was no. I did not file for divorce, I merely lived behind the line. Divorce was the consequence.

"Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. For your Maker is your husband, the LORD of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.  For the LORD has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like a wife of youth when she is cast off, says your God." - Isa 54:4-6 ESV

It is a different life living in this way, with my Maker as my husband. First, I need to know how to hear Him, to distinguish his voice from all the others. Secondly, there's this conviction that whatever He says is good and true...which is not such a welcome conviction at times.

I remember my married days when Mr. Santos would suggest a road for us...perhaps a business venture, or a vacation. Not always, but at times, I would share my opinions, or argue because, after all, he's just a man. Are you sure this is where we should go?

Recently, God has opened up paths for me that I never thought of. They are put before me, by Him, all HIS idea;  I can either go or not. He is the head.

Maybe it is different for you. Maybe you feel more connected to the path put before you, as if that path was your idea.

The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps. - Pro 16:9 ESV

For me, I don't feel connected at all to these paths. I wonder, "What? You want me to go there? Really? Why? What will happen? Will I be OK?"

And then that conviction comes that whatever God does is good and true.


Obedience builds faith.

I wonder...

Is it pride that makes me question...or fear? Fear not for I am with you says the Lord.

I wonder...

Will it always be lonely-like...though I trust I am not make these life decisions?

But then wondering turns to fretting and fretting turns to I stop.

I pick up my book to color, or I look to the sky and give thanks, or I pick some blackberries, looking for the big juicy ones that melt in my mouth and taste like cotton candy.

I will go. He will work it out. I don't know where it will lead. But, He is the beginning and He is the end.

What are you wondering about?


These berries grow in our back yard along the edge of the forest.
Sophia has been making us tasty nice.

The top of our back yard. 
The leaves tinkle with a breeze...a pleasant and comforting sound.

Our front yard.
 I love the blue backdrop.

Coloring is a new favorite pastime.

It helps me to relax or meditate...and even to have good conversations with my children.

It is a calming activity and satisfies my love of color.

Plus, unlike painting or quilting, I can take it with me wherever I go.

What pretty things do you enjoy creating?

August 8, 2015

Heavy August


Saturday, August 8th, 2015

Outside my window...

thankful for a clear night sky

I am thankful...

for progress in healing,
progress in understanding,
progress in my relationships.

I am thankful that life is moving forward...even if I don't know where I am going.

In the kitchen...

Burgers for dinner,
Tea and chocolate for dessert

I am wearing...

knee length skirt with tank and mint green flip flops.
The shirt has black polka dots...of course.

I wore the baby most of the day too...babysitting for some dear neighbors.

I am hearing...

the hum of the fan coming from the girls room.

I am going...

to make ANOTHER big decision this month.
Pray for me.
Tis the season for decisions.

On my mind...

SO much.

My name is Laura Santos...not Mrs. Santos.

If you are over 18 years old, will you please call me Laura?
If you are over 25 years old, REALLY, stop already, you know who you are.

I am divorced.
I hate that word.
I’m divorced after being separated for more than two years, 
or was it longer than that? 
My husband and I lived parallel lives for years.
This divorce is good.
It is evil.
It is freedom and peace, with intense pain and regret. 
It is the loss of death with the living still present in your life. 
The finality brings some stability. 
For years, I have been living crookedly, tilted to one side, walking my messy life with one leg, one arm, one eye, one ear.

Now, I am free to lean upon God fully, which, in a sense, I did before my divorce. 

Joy and comfort upon a marriage when a man and woman are equally yoked, both desiring to go the same direction, especially if that direction is God’s will.

I am reading...

not really.

I am hoping...

for my children...

peace, comfort, joy, wisdom.

I am remembering...

Sara. She has Parkinson's...and only a few weeks more on earth.

See?? I told you it was a heavy August.
Thank God, while it is heavy, I don't have to carry it.

I am watching and helping her in her last days.

It's a strange journey, going forward day by day with opposite pulls, the desire for the promise pulling against the love of what we touch and see with our flesh.

Even if we want to join one side in the pulling, we are not in control, Death wins eventually and on his own schedule.

Do we forget that Death will come for us all? 
It unites every race, class, creature.

Who is on the other end of the promise of heaven?
Is He real? What is He like?
Why does He want to be with me...forever? 
Do I want to be with Him...forever?

But also...

What about the judgement?
What will I be judged for?

Do you ever ask yourself these questions?

Around the house...

laundry to put away,
coloring books and gel pens (my new "thing")
essential oil bottles near the have been sick.

One of my favorite things...

baby snuggles

 Plans for the rest of the month:

Order next year's school curriculum.

9th and 6th grade...Wow...I really am moving into a new season of life.

A quote to share...

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace."

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