May 6, 2015

Looking forward

Some days grief washes over me. 

Even with the three year mark this summer, I ache to see my mother again. Occasionally, my heart breaks over my looming divorce, over the loss of my family dreams. The loneliness of home schooling and raising three unique children alone threatens to overwhelm me. A simple remembrance of my oldest child as a baby sends a pang.

Loss: inevitable with the passing of time.
Relief: the shower where tears are not so hot and groans not so loud.

While pondering and praying I had a vision of someone knocking on my door. It was Mom. I let her in. She walked to my kitchen and looked in my fridge. We chatted a little before she said, “Why don’t you come over tonight? We’re going to bar-b-cue.”  Without any explanation I knew that she would have a big spread, she was such a generous woman. I hugged her goodbye. Oh to feel that body next to mine again! She was three inches shorter than me, such an intimate and comforting memory. I felt joy at the prospect of a pleasant evening at her house.

My load was instantly lightened knowing that I could share with her the latest crisis with the children, knowing she would be on my side, and his side and their side…she was always on my side without being against anyone. How did she do that?

As I lingered a little too long in this imaginary possibility I remembered the promise of Jesus,
“…I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.”

Then, for a moment, it was HIM knocking on my door, walking to my kitchen, opening my fridge. It was He who said, "Why don't you come over? I'm having a feast tonight."

Suddenly, I was filled with thanks, thankful for the picture of Jesus coming back to get me, an infinitely better reunion than being with Mom again. She loved me in her imperfect way, Jesus loves me Perfectly, but I hardly know about it. I want to know more of His love for me…it is everlasting.

I want that Christ may dwell in my heart…; that I, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all fellow believers what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; and to know the love of Christ, which passes knowledge, that I might be filled with all the fullness of God.

I wiped away my tears and gave thanks for my grief. Without the loss I could not experience the hope and joy of its passing, the joy of its satisfaction.

 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. Rev. 21:4


  1. God bless you! I am sorry you have these sources of sadness. The Lord is with you, and you are blessed knowing that. My mom passed in 2007, and I have thought many times that when we are together again, all the problems and difficulties will be gone! Your post reminded me of that. Thanks!

    1. Thank you for your kind thoughts Homeschool Mom. I'm sorry you lost your mom, but glad you have the same hope I have. Loves,


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